Acknowledge feelings as they emerge
Q. My parents divorced when I was a little kid. Why is it suddenly bothering me now? I’m a senior. I think my life is going well. I have good grades, play a sport I love, have many good friends and just started dating someone I like a lot. I get along with both my parents, and they don’t yell or fight. Since they split, I’ve shared time with them both. Up until now – over a decade – I just took the divorce in stride. It was simply part of my life. Now I’m thinking about all the things I missed. I can only remember one Christmas with us all together. Every other holiday we take turns. It’s suddenly upsetting to me that this pattern will happen again. I will need to miss my dad over Thanksgiving and miss my mom over Christmas. My dad remarried and moved out of state, so I will need to fly to his house. I know I should be grateful. I have friends whose parents are divorced, and their parents aren’t even civil with one another. I just find myself thinking I don’t want to do this to any kids I have. I was powerless when they split and I’m powerless now. Divorce sucks. My mom sent me to counseling for about six months when it happened but I told her I was fine and didn’t need it so we stopped. Do you think I need it again? – 18-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Divorce is often felt as a loss to a child or young person. You are correct. You were without power. Your parents’ decision to separate, even if it was a healthy choice for them, was not your decision.
When we lose something or someone important, it is normal to revisit the grief or loss. You lost a family where you felt safe and happy. It sounds as if your parents put a lot of effort into co-parenting well – I congratulate them. Their efforts helped you become a well-adjusted young person. Nonetheless, you lost time with them together. Spending time apart, especially at holidays, has afforded you the gift of connection with both parents, but also denied you the family life you wanted.
Have you communicated these feelings to your mom and dad? You’re old enough to share your thoughts. You’re on the cusp of adulthood yourself. Senior year is brimming with excitement but also with decisions. Talking openly with both parents may help you during this important time.
You’re also starting a relationship. Childhood negative experiences can resurface as we mature, especially if a loss is related to changes in our own lives. In other words, as you begin to date and explore the idea of a significant person in your life, it is normal to make comparisons with your parents’ relationship. Remember, you are not your parents. You will make your own choices; if you have children, you will parent in your own way. You do not need to mirror your parents’ relationship challenges. Since this means a great deal to you, I suggest prioritizing a discussion about divorce, children and parenting when your relationship becomes serious.
Childhood trauma doesn’t disappear. Seeking counseling isn’t a sign of weakness, but of wisdom and strength. We often dismiss challenges to our mental health and expect to “shake off” difficult feelings. When I started my graduate work in counseling, I clearly remember a professor telling the class how much he believed everyone needed counseling at one time or another in life. Talking with a neutral person who is trained in listening and can offer you a sounding board may help enhance your new relationship and improve your time with your parents.
When feelings emerge in our lives, it is wise to acknowledge them. Your desire to process your parents’ divorce as an adult reflects your growth and maturity. May your senior year create wonderful memories and may your life decisions be wise. Thanks for reaching out.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.