Stay true to yourself in relationships

Q. How do I keep my relationship without having sex? I don’t think I’m ready, but I don’t want to lose him. – 16-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: I love your question because you are brave enough to share both your vulnerability and your maturity. Being vulnerable means being easily hurt; in asking this question, you open yourself up to a conversation about sexuality, relationships and intimacy. I believe these topics are key for people your age. Maturity refers to a person’s level of mental and emotional development, and how they respond to situations. It’s a combination of wisdom, experience, and the ability to make good decisions. I’m proud of you.
I believe learning about relationships should be part of all high school curricula. Sadly, many teens are not taught how to determine if a relationship is healthy or unhealthy. The biggest examples of relationships we have growing up are those we observe in our families or in the adults in our lives – our teachers, our coaches, and our employers. These trusted adults model how to make relationships work, for better or worse. Social media and movies/TV present an often-unrealistic example of relationships, especially in rom-coms, where everything falls into place in two hours.
You are mature enough to question the connection between sex and a relationship. Unlike many young people, you are pausing to ask key questions: Am I ready for sex? Do I need to be sexual with someone to keep a relationship? What does this relationship mean to me? Good for you.
Self-reflection refers to the ability to take time to think about, evaluate and give serious thought to one’s behaviors, attitudes, motivations and desires. When we self-reflect, we consider our behavior before we engage. We plan.
Sex and love are not the same. It is very possible to have sex with someone we do not love; conversely, it is possible to love someone and not have sex with them.
Here are some keys to staying true to yourself and maintaining a relationship:
Talk with your partner/friend. Be open, kind and respectful. You can tell someone you like being with them while also telling them you don’t feel like you’re ready to be physical.
Talk with a trusted adult, like a parent. Reaching out to me is a great first step. There are adults in your life who love you and want the best for you. Simply ask for time to chat and be honest. Plan how you will use your words to talk with your partner/friend.
It’s important to remember your body is yours. You never owe anyone any physical action. The choice of what you do with your body is always yours. Respecting boundaries is key to a healthy relationship.
Sex is not a conquest or something we need to “get over with” to prove we matter to someone. Sex is about connection. The reality is sex has adult consequences; you are wise to wait to get involved physically until you feel you are ready.
Losing someone because we set boundaries about physical touch is a strong red flag saying that person was not interested in our well-being as much as their own. If saying, “I’m not ready” makes a person leave, they are not good for us.
Break-ups can hurt but not as much as staying in a relationship where the other person is unable to respect our wishes.
In some friend groups, being single feels awkward. Select friends who are like-minded. Have fun. Create and maintain relationships – both friends and significant others – based on communication, trust, mutual respect, and common goals. You are wise to question how you feel. You are a person of great worth. Please continue valuing yourself highly.
Peer educator response: Keeping someone by having sex is exactly how unhealthy relationships start. Your needs and desires are important. Do not stay with someone who does not respect your wishes or honor you. It’s not worth it. Good luck.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.