Jul 17, 2025 4 min read

My column about middle school friendships hit home with many readers. Here are two responses.

Response 1: I read your column on Thursday with a great deal of interest and a little bit of flashback. I’m in my early 40s and a parent of two elementary school girls. When I read the question from the 13-year-old, I was taken back in time. I hated middle school. My friends were volatile and just plain mean. It took me years to find a decent friend, and that was – believe it or not – because of my future husband. We met junior year. He had a sister a little younger than me, who is now my sister-in-law of many years. She became my friend. I sometimes think those years scarred me. I am fearful for our daughters. I am very involved in their schools as a PTA mom and in their activities as a team mother. I do these things for an obvious reason. I love my daughters, and I want to be part of their lives. But I think another reason may be to try to protect them when middle school arrives. I tell myself if I know the parents of the girls in my daughters’ school, they’ll be less likely to allow bullying. Am I right? And do you think it’s possible this still hurts me 30 years later? – Still feel like 13

Mary Jo’s Response: I do believe you could still feel hurt from the social challenges of middle school. Last week I mentioned Rachel Simmons’ “Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls.” Simmons researched the long-term effects of social aggression and found many adult women who remained affected by their experiences. In her conclusion, Simmons writes: “Most of the behaviors mapped out in this book-nonverbal gesturing, ganging up, behind-the-back talking, rumor spreading, the Survivor-like exiling of cliques, note passing, the silent treatment, nice-in private and mean-in-public friends-are fueled by the lack of face-to-face confrontations.” Simmons wrote in 2002 and reissued the book in 2011; I suggest that today’s middle schoolers have another variable to contend with – social media. It is incredibly easy to gang up on a 13-year-old online.

One of the biggest challenges of parenting, in my opinion, is finding the courage to allow our children to grow up. A parent’s instinct might be to overprotect. Instead, I believe we need to teach our children how to handle school situations, set boundaries for social media use, and yes, be involved with the families of their friends if possible. Model healthy social relationships with your own friendships. Listen and be there. Middle school and high school will fly – try to enjoy them.

Response 2: After reading your column I wondered if this social aggression exists for boys as well. I’m a well-adjusted – I think – gay male turning 50 soon. My best friends in middle school were girls. I was NOT out. I wanted to make friends with boys my age, but I was afraid they would somehow know my secret. Yes, I watched my female friends go through a wide range of friendship trials and tribulations. They usually confided in me! Do you think boys go through this type of angst as well? By the way, thank you for listening to young people. I really respect your kindness.

Mary Jo’s Response: Thank you so much. I love teens. My affection for them is genuine and lasting, so spending time with them is an honor. Yes, I think gender does not play as big a role in social aggression as Simmons and others like her believe. This will sound simplistic, but I believe personality and connection to peers of like mind play a large role in how a middle schooler thrives, regardless of gender. Since at one time I taught or had staff in 48 schools, I’m often asked which school district is best. My answer: it’s not the school that counts, it’s with whom your teen hangs out.

I’ve known boys who followed the cultural stereotype of taking their social problems to a physical resolution, of course, but the advent of social media is a common ground for social bullying and aggression. Parents today need to be vigilant and listen closely to the non-verbal messages their young people give them. A stressed middle schooler, no matter gender, may not share their social challenges, but their grades may suffer and they may appear down or depressed. I know one thing for certain – 13-year-olds need trusted adult guidance. I appreciate your email.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.