Trying to make sense of hate
Q. Will you please use my question in your column? I want to know why some people are so hateful about Pride. Let me explain. This is personal to me. My big brother is gay. He’s not only my big brother, he’s my best friend. See, I had leukemia when I was 7. Technically, I still have it, but right now I’m cancer free. I remember some of that time, mostly in the hospital and getting sick from chemo. My mom says we often forget hard things. What I do remember is my brother standing by me. We’re 12 years apart. When I was sick, he dropped out of college to be with me. I’d wake up in the hospital, scared, and he was right beside me, sleeping in a chair. He held me through every test and procedure. He was at every chemo treatment. He gave up a year of his life at 19 to be the best brother ever. I’ve heard people say horrible things about being gay and I always think, but wait, you don’t know my brother. And another thing, I’ve known about being gay pretty much all my life and I am straight. Very straight (LOL). Isn’t it possible that we are who we are? Is it anyone’s fault if they are themselves? Please help me understand. How can someone hate someone as wonderful as my brother? He got married last year, and his husband is so kind to me. I love spending the night at their house. It’s the safest place in the world to me. – 17-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Your email filled me with many emotions. I’m so very glad your cancer is in remission. I’m in awe of your big brother’s commitment to you during your treatment. You’re correct – what a great big brother! I’m also happy your relationship with him continues to be so positive. Having a safe place is important. I’m sorry your brother has experienced hate.
You pose wise questions. I’ve pondered them myself. I don’t have a frame of reference for hate, especially anonymous hate for an entire group of people. I was raised by two exceptional parents, who modeled love and respect in all they did. My life-long philosophy of #EachPersonIsAPersonofWorthTM came from these two wonderful people, who had no formal education but were my first and best teachers. My papa was called racial slurs as a new Italian immigrant when he lied about his age (he was 14 and said he was 16) to work in a coal mine. Instead of growing bitter, he turned those hurtful words into a life lived with respect. Papa told me he felt the men who mistreated him didn’t really know him. He felt it would be hard to hate someone once you got to know them, which is why he taught me about all types of people.
I agree, no one should hate your brother. I also find your final question poignant: Is it possible we are who we are? Yes, I think we are who we are, and trying to be someone different can hurt us. It’s no one’s fault if they are true to who they are.
Because your email was so deep, I sought wisdom from the young people I serve. I think you will value their perspective. If we are ever to become a culture where we respect each person’s worth, it is their generation that will make it so. I wish you and your brother joy and peace.
Peer Educators Response: Some people don’t like Pride because they have a hole in their hearts that hasn’t been filled properly and has been filled with hate for anything different. When they see someone happy, they get jealous. Most people hate blindly, whether it’s because of their own battles or because of how they were raised. The way people are brought up affects them for their whole lives, and a lot of elders were raised to hate anything different. Some people hate being gay because they feel the same way and don’t feel they can express that in fear of being rejected. A lot of people are afraid of change, even though the world is ever changing. Sometimes fear can be turned into hate, the same with confusion. The common denominator in all of this is hating someone for no rhyme or reason. Many people who hate cannot explain why. Hate from others is a thing you can’t control, even if it’s toward a person as wonderful as your brother. Be yourself. Find people who support you and distance yourself from those who don’t. We’re so happy you feel safe with your brother, and your cancer isn’t troubling you. That is very important.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.