Teen confused by parents’ breakup
Q. My parents split up two weeks ago. I feel lost. My mom moved us to another apartment right away because she said the one we lived in cost too much. My dad moved too. I’m supposed to split my time with them, but it’s very confusing right now. I don’t feel like I have a place of my own with either parent. Then, to make things worse, someone on the bus who knows my situation called me a bastard. I don’t know what that is, but I don’t want to be it. I asked my friend and he said it’s because my parents never married. That’s true, they never did. How does that affect me? My mom says I’ve been a lot of trouble this summer, asking for things a lot and not doing chores on time. Do you think my poor behavior made them split up? – 13-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: No. Their decisions had nothing to do with your behavior. Adults make their own choices in relationships. Nothing you did caused them to split up. It’s not your fault. This situation is difficult for you; you are very brave to reach out to me.
Right now, as you say, life is confusing. Let’s focus on easing the confusion. First, have you tried to talk with either parent and share your feelings? It’s OK to be upset. Ask them to help you find a space of your own with each of them. It can be hard to adjust to new homes; try to create somewhere in both your mom’s and your dad’s apartments that feels safe. Young people your age need routines and familiar spaces. It might even help to share this column with your parents.
Try not to take sides and ask your parents to avoid saying negative things about each other. They may no longer want to be together, but they are still your mom and dad. You need a chance to maintain a relationship with each of them.
Let’s also try to find other trusted adults in your life who can help you feel secure and protected. Do you have grandparents or other family, like aunts/uncles or close family friends? It might help to spend time with these trusted adults. Do you have a teacher or school counselor who could offer you support during school hours? Our Common Ground Teen Center is open Monday through Friday from 4 to 8 p.m. and offers a large assortment of activities, like D&D, Cooking Club, Chess Club and Art Club. Our adult supervisors are ready to listen.
Finally, you asked about a slur you were called. “Bastard” is a negative word for someone whose parents never married. At one time in human history, being born “out of wedlock” – to people who were not married – meant the baby was treated poorly. Our society has moved away from that, thank goodness, but the name is still used to hurt. You’re right – whether your parents were married when you were born should not affect you. This name is unkind.
Please stay in touch as you adjust to your new homes and situation. Remember, you are a person of great worth, no matter where you live or with whom you stay.
Peer Educator Alumni: My parents split up when I was 12. I was confused too. Eventually, my dad moved out of state and my mom and I established a rhythm. We got close and I got through it. Now that I’m an adult, I reached out to my dad right after my 21st birthday. We had dinner and talked. It was nice, but I don’t think I’ll ever be close to him. When parents split up, it’s hard for kids. Be strong and find support. You’re worth it.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.