Adult still wrestles with parents’ divorce
Readers reacted to my column from the 13-year-old dealing with parents who split up. The email below was the most poignant.
Q. I’m glad that 13-year-old had you to talk with. My family isn’t big on communication. And they put down anyone who seeks counseling. I should know. My parents divorced when I was 11. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the single biggest trauma of my childhood. I must be naïve, but I didn’t know they hated each other. Sure, they fought, but, like I said, we didn’t talk about deep things in our family. I thought all parents fought. Then, one day, with no warning, my dad told me he was leaving. I was close to my dad, I mean, if a person in our family could be close to someone. He coached my little league team and threw ball with me in the backyard every night. He just left and never returned. My mom and me got along as best we could. Without my dad’s salary, things were tight. After a long fight, my mom got alimony from him, but it was never enough. I haven’t talked with him since that day when I was a kid. I’m married now and my wife is pregnant with our first child. It’s a boy. I’m determined to be the father he needs and not follow in my dad’s footsteps. Thank you. I wish you’d been around when I was 11. – 15 years later and still hurt.
Mary Jo’s Response: I feel the pain in your words; I hold space with your loss of the family you wanted and honor your courage in writing to me.
I’m proud of you for seeking a positive life with your wife. Having a baby is a big step into adulthood. I taught childbirth education for nearly 50 years. I did more than teach people about having babies; I prepared them for parenthood. One of the pieces of advice I gave was for new parents to prioritize their relationships. One of the best gifts we can give a child is a safe, healthy home in which to grow up, with parents who communicate and respect each other.
Breaking a cycle of abandonment takes planning, fortitude, and, yes, communication. You’re on the way to creating a family to nurture your new baby. Start by connecting emotionally with your wife. Share your childhood trauma. Make plans to parent with intention. Keep your relationship fresh by making sure you both honor your dream of staying together.
I believe counseling can help. Having someone to confide your feelings of loss when your parents divorced would have helped you process your dad’s abrupt departure. Seeing a counselor now could help you sort out those feelings as you become a father yourself.
Jeffrey Zimmerman and Elizabeth Thayer’s book, “Adult Children of Divorce: How to Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Break Up and Enjoy Love, Trust and Intimacy,” is one of many books written to support people in your situation. There are also wonderful resources on fatherhood. The National Fatherhood Institute offers a locator to help with finding a fatherhood support group near you at www.fatherhood.org/fathersource-locator.
Your son is fortunate to have you as a father. You are not your dad. You can create a warm, positive home for him. May all go well.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.