Is it love or something else?
Q. I’m not sure how to handle this. I really like my boyfriend but I don’t love him. He tells me he loves me all the time and I say “I love you too.” I feel horrible. Should I tell him? Should I just break up with him? Should I keep on with this lying? – 15-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Your question deals with two important aspects of life: honesty and love. You are in a relationship that is not completely honest; although you say you do like your boyfriend, you do not love him.
I had the honor of teaching for more than 45 years. A topic I stressed repeatedly was healthy relationships – what makes a relationship healthy, what makes it unhealthy, and how to create relationships that are not only healthy but are also respectful to both parties? I played a game called Relationship Hangups, where my students would create paper T-shirts, then write all the things that damage a relationship on one side of the shirt. We’d discuss. Then, they would flip the shirt over and write all the things that could cancel those negative attributes. Honesty was nearly always in the first five positive things teens suggested. It’s important to be honest with your boyfriend. It’s important to be honest with yourself.
Let’s talk about love. Love is difficult to define. It’s a feeling that is deeply subjective – by that I mean it is can be different for each person. If you feel you’re in love, then you are, even if the relationship is not healthy. If you do not feel as if you love someone, the same is true. What you feel, when it comes to love, matters. I think you need to analyze what you do feel. Liking someone at 15 is wise. Loving someone at 15 can lead to adult choices and adult level commitments. Liking is safer. It’s OK to fall “in love”; it’s also OK to remain in “like.”
What you’re facing is not uncommon. I often asked my students if they ever said “I love you” before they meant it. Sadly, discussions revealed how often those words were said without thought, simply as a response. I’m proud of your ethical reaction to this dilemma. You want to be upfront with your boyfriend. I suggest you talk with him. Be gentle. Share that you want the word love to mean something – you don’t want it to be a casual response without feeling. Tell him how much he matters to you and share how much you like him. It may be easier to just break up, but I believe the decent choice would be an honest but respectful conversation.
I haven’t been 15 in a long while, so I sought the wisdom of our peer educators. I believe you’ll do the right thing.
Peer Educator Response: Honesty is incredibly important and also incredibly painful. It’s always best to be able to help your boyfriend deal with the fact that you don’t love him. A relationship at your age doesn’t need to be love. Love may not be what you think it is anyway. It’s completely normal to no longer love someone but you shouldn’t lie. You should tell him face-to-face. You might want to work it out. You should have a discussion with him. You are under no obligation to stay with him. You should not feel pressured. It is completely normal after a certain amount of time to feel “comfortable.” That may feel like you no longer love him. Look into your feelings.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.