Set healthy boundaries to find peace
Q. What’s the hardest part about setting boundaries and how do I keep those boundaries. – 16-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Great questions, with complicated answers. First, let’s define boundaries. A healthy boundary sets appropriate limits for a relationship in a way that protects all partners. Boundaries differ based on the type of relationship we seek to make healthy, our culture, and the situation in which the relationship occurs. For example, a business relationship (employer/employee) and a school relationship (teacher/student) require different boundaries than a parent/child relationship, a friend relationship or a romantic relationship.
In all boundaries, the first and hardest step is self-reflection. We must decide what we want from the relationship, how we want to achieve that goal or goals, and how to communicate these boundaries. Communication will help boundaries succeed; a lack of communication may cause them to fail.
Most psychologists recognize seven types of boundaries. I’ll provide a quick overview. I also recommend the book, “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself,” by Nedra Glover Tawwab, for more details.
Emotional boundaries concern your feelings and the feelings of others in the relationship. An example of an emotional boundary in a friendship is when both people agree to respect each other’s feelings. This may involve avoiding certain topics. In a romantic relationship, a partner may need time to process changes in emotions, and that space should be respected.
Physical boundaries involve personal space and touch. For example, some cultures hug easily and freely, while others feel a hug violates personal space. In a romantic relationship, it’s important to communicate which types of physical affection are acceptable.
Intellectual boundaries include our thoughts, beliefs and ideas. For example, you may prefer to openly discuss your beliefs in some types of relationships but set boundaries that determine which areas are off-limits in others. Politics and religion are often considered challenging topics, around which boundaries may be set.
Time boundaries consider how we spend our time. Learning to say no is part of self-care and may require assertive communication of time limits. Another example might be setting a time after which you would not receive calls or texts, unless in an emergency.
Material boundaries define our rights and limits about our possessions and finances. An example may be establishing rules with friends or roommates about borrowing personal items or lending money.
Sexual boundaries relate to consent and limits to sexual activity, including something as simple as kissing. Communicating comfort levels with a partner is the foundation of a healthy sexual relationship.
Digital boundaries establish limits to our online presence. An example is setting privacy settings on social media and carefully selecting who can see your posts.
You ask about keeping boundaries, which is key to establishing them. Start with boundaries that feel right to you, communicate them to those with whom you are in a relationship, and reflect regularly on how the boundaries are progressing. Maintained well, healthy boundaries can bring peace and contentment.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.