Grow into adulthood, a day at a time
Q. How do you deal with becoming an adult? – 17-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: I’ve been responding to teen questions since the 1980s and writing this column since 2005, and I believe this is one of the deepest questions I’ve received.
I admire your courage in raising a topic many people overlook. Society often treats adulthood as if it begins automatically at 18 — an age you’re approaching — but most people feel no different from one day to the next. One 18-year-old graduating senior told me, “I expected more. Turning 18 didn’t give me a car, a place to live, or a career. I still have to work for those things. I was disappointed because nothing felt different.”
I think one challenge lies in defining adulthood. Many cultures have rites of passage that signify the change from a minor child to an adult; in our culture, except for driving at 16 and voting at 18, not much formally marks adulthood. Legally, people can be tried as an adult at 18 if they commit a crime, but I doubt many young people think of that distinction positively.
Webster defines an adult as one who is fully developed and mature; a grown up. In contrast to a non-adult or “minor,” a legal adult is a person who has attained the age of majority and is therefore regarded as independent, self-sufficient, and responsible. The key is planning to reach independence, self-sufficiency and responsibility.
The use of the word “deal” in your question implies becoming an adult is not perceived as an easy journey. I wonder if placing too much weight on adulthood as a singular act – something that happens definitively and must be faced – makes it more frightening. In truth, humans become adults gradually, first biologically, when able to reproduce, and then physically, as growth is achieved. Emotionally, most people evolve into their adult identities over time. In other words, my friend, you don’t need to do this all at once. Take one day at a time and grow into adulthood.
One way to ease anxiety about becoming an adult is to create goals. Have a plan for where you want to go and set goals along the way to help you attain your dreams. You don’t need to be 100% certain of a potential career or life path at 18, but I do think considering where you want to be after high school is wise. Have you ever created a vision board? I like the idea of setting goals that can lead to your vision. Have you ever journaled? Keeping a journal doesn’t mean you need to create formal pages of writing. I like to reflect on each day, and simply jotting down your thoughts at the end of the day is helpful. Set short-term goals for a week or a month, and long-term goals for after high school. Focusing on what type of adult you want to be – visualizing your adult identity and working toward it – is one way to be positive about this life change.
More than anything, please remember your worth. You are worthy because you are here; there’s no one exactly like you. Decide to live with intention, making each day count. Choose to be kind. Choose to be respectful. Choose goodness. Learn from mistakes; we all make them. Know you are not alone; seek support if anxious. If you take life as it comes while preparing for the future in small steps, you’ll be able to smoothly deal with the change from young person to adult. I have faith in you.
Peer Educator Alumni Response: We are legally adults. Some of us graduated from college a few years ago; others of us served in the military. We think you’re making good choices by considering your future. Adulthood will happen! You’ll be ready for it if you set goals and plan now. Remember to have fun!
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.