Domestic abuse survivor speaks out
Lori H. suffered through nine years of mental and physical abuse at the hands of her ex-husband. The 44-year-old former Washington woman moved to the Midwest in 2003, shortly after she became frustrated with the court system she said would not assure her safety. The Observer-Reporter is partially identifying Lori as she fears reprisals against her family.
“I can’t live in the area anymore. Every location is a reminder. I remembered him beating me at McDonald’s on Chestnut Street (in Washington) because we ran out of gas,” Lori said.
She returns to Washington every summer so her mother can see her two children, and during her last visit she spoke at a June 26 domestic violence awareness event at the Moose Lodge on West Chestnut Street. Lori said as she read news about the kidnapping and murder of Tierne Ewing, she became incensed.
“The most frustrating, insulting question – ‘Why did you stay?’ There are a million reasons you can’t leave. Sometimes it’s literal removal of means for you to leave. He took my money, isolated me from my friends, and when I eventually got the protection-from-abuse order in March 2003, he nailed windows shut and took my vehicle before that,” Lori said.
Abusers, Lori said, typically don’t have to resort to physical restrictions, but instead rely on mental control of a victim. She said early warning signs were that he didn’t like her family or friends
“They pound it into your head that you’re worthless. It’s like a version of Stockholm Syndrome. ‘How embarrassing would it be for your family to find out?’ he said. It’s all about control. He presented himself as the all-knowing problem-solver, as if he was the ideal man I should be looking for,” Lori said.
The two lived in a house in the West End of Washington. The living room became a torture chamber.
“He would drag me into that room by my hair, punch me and hold me down. And the first time he did it, I think he learned not to hit me in the face so I wouldn’t have to hide bruises under a turtleneck. After that he started beating me in the legs, my body. Eventually he broke my nose and took me to Canonsburg Hospital, and not Washington Hospital, because he knew I had friends that worked there,” Lori said.
The process to acquire and be assured a PFA was in place was too much for Lori. She said she left after trying to get an extension.
“The original PFA was an emergency order. The judge said after a return for a permanent PFA, ‘Well, he hasn’t beaten you recently, so continuing the PFA wouldn’t serve any purpose.’ It was ignored that he was still calling me, showing up; showing up at my mom’s place. I knew then if I didn’t get away I would never get away from him,” Lori said.
Promises to change are typical components of the abuse cycle, Lori said. But sometimes, the subject can be so out of character, it’s a sign that the abuser is trying to clamp down and prevent the victim from fleeing.
“He never wanted children then all of a sudden he did. It was a false negotiation tactic. It’s to trust them again, to reset, until they start abusing you again,” Lori said.
Lori kept secret the abuse from her family for eight years until she told her father, a retired police officer and minister who has since died, that she needed help.
“I tell women you need to reject their story for you. You are worth something. No matter what they say to you, your love is not to be wasted on them. Help is out there, but it’s not going to be easy. People still victim-blame even when you try to help yourself. Get out. Do it for you and do it for your family,” she said.
Lori has since happily remarried and she was assured the partnership was a legitimate one from the start.
“My current husband was extremely supportive. When he knew about everything that was going on, he helped me seek out counseling, took me to a women’s shelter and all of these things that helped me heal,” she said.
Lori is calling on state legislators to provide more measures for victims to escape and be assured safety from their abusers. She also asked supporters to attend an Oct. 1 fundraiser for Domestic Violence Services of Southwestern Pennsylvania. The event will be held at the Church of the Covenant from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
“They never have enough resources. Emergency shelters are often full. They need more people and they need more help to help others. Please don’t stay silent,” Lori said.