Nov 28, 2020 5 min read

”Connection is why we are here.” – Brené Brown

In 1860, Abraham Lincoln was elected president of the United States. In 10 of the southern states, not one vote was cast for him. He spent months before his inauguration watching the South secede from the Union. The rest of his life he attempted to unite the fledgling nation.

In 2020, I read the op-eds written by Gary Stout and David Ball that appeared in this newspaper after the election. (Disclosure: I am one of Stout’s grammatical editors.) After reading Stout and Ball in series, I saw no hope of resolution. These positional statements are merely two tell-tale examples of the all-or-nothing debates nationwide that demonstrate how the U.S. is no longer a diverse mosaic cemented as one. A deep, foundational rift with seismic ramifications developed in the American mosaic.

After experiencing this from the op-eds, I said, “Just tear me in half! I think that is what will happen in our country. We will have another civil war, at least in words, if there is no mediatory, healing resolution in our future.”

This dualistic, divisive pattern pervasive throughout the fabric of America occurs where persons or groups plug perspectives from within their own contexts only. The pattern always includes two opposing positions definitively clarifying individual positions while unilaterally dictating alleged solutions. The more frequently this occurs, the wider the gap becomes. This occurs in politics, in religion and in anything involving unprovable opinions. It is reinforced by social media algorithms that feed us more of what is “liked” and less of the opposites.

The Stout/Ball stalemate unfortunately is but one example of what is happening all across America. It is not unlike a frenetic series of chess games where intermittently one side wins and then the other. This yields no fulfillment with lasting accomplishment, only a coin flip full of wins and losses. Neither side is building connection and hope. Instead each only inflames the other creating further intractable, distancing entrenchment.

I am suggesting specific tools to interrupt this estranging, divisive pattern. We must be intent on listening closely to the other, on being self-aware, changing ourselves and our actions and speaking the truth kindly to each other. Being human means being connected and requires compassion for self and for others.

As a workplace chaplain, I listen closely to the tremulous pain and fear of those I serve. Many raised in a culturally conservative context are panicked with the presidential loss. President Trump gave them hope they haven’t had in 25 years, spearheading the conservative agenda more noticeably than any recent president.

I also empathetically listen to the more liberal workers and shudder inside hearing their pain and fear with how Trump institutionally dismantled their core values.

The real issue (and solution), I believe, is relationship-building. It is not about being the best ideologue. All of us are human. Lovingkindness is uniquely, universally human. With no demonstrative communication of relational care (i.e., simple respect and kindness), we move further apart. The government reflects this and will not change until I change and until you change.

To succeed and not further crack the mosaic, humanity must centrally base itself in kindness and compassion. Simultaneously, humanity must own its own blindspots. True change occurs while treating friends and foe with goodwill and owning up to one’s foibles.

Recently, a colleague gave me the gift of direct confrontation saying I had a demeaning and demanding tone with her. I sadly had to admit this. Worse, I was not aware. Though hard to absorb and causing deep soul-searching, I am further self-evaluating and self-correcting. This is also what our country needs, receptivity to listen, absorb and change.

Human beings thrive when we have faith, hope and love. If we build bridges first between people and then between issues by finding what is common to both, we generate hope.

Compassionate human connection is the bridge between people and positions. Both truth and love must be present in equal proportions. Truth without compassion is harsh. Compassion not based in truth is dangerous.

Additionally, see the three-minute trailer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4RFIg749Ho introducing the book, “Believe in People: Bottom-Up Solutions for a Top-Down World,” by Charles Koch with Brian Hook.

Finally, the new field of positive psychology has proven that laughter lowers blood pressure, relaxes muscles and reduces heart disease. The studies also established that generosity reduces stress, pain and anxiety, supports immunity and is contagious.

Much is gained by also practicing positive psychology in the political arena. When we generate human connection with humor, generosity, gratitude, hope and well-being, we become part of the solution and thus hopefully avoid civil war. Break the back of division. Speak the truth kindly!

E. Dennis Marasco is a native of Washington (early 1950s to mid-’70s), is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and ordained Disciples of Christ minister living in Cincinnati, Ohio, and serving as a workplace chaplain in Kentucky.