OP-ED: An exercise in personal introspection

About five or so years ago, I attended a retreat for a volunteer board I was serving on in California. The facilitator had us do a few exercises that have stuck with me over the years and have resulted in some deep introspection on my part. One exercise could benefit us all at some point in our lives.
The facilitator asked the participants to pair up. Then he suggested that we take turns sharing with our partner the absolute worst exchange that had ever occurred between you and a superior where the superior was at fault, and you were at his or her mercy.
My retreat partner and I euphorically shared two dreadful business experiences that we had endured with former bosses where it clearly seemed we were the victims of some brutal, personal verbal attack or betrayal. We both went on and on about these experiences as we explained how malevolent our superiors had been.
During the next step, the tables were flipped which is when the exercise really hit home for me. After that first sharing of our victimhood narratives, he then instructed us to tell the same stories, but this time we had to tell them from a very different perspective. We had to explain all the things we had previously done that had provoked our bosses to unload on us. In other words, this time we were not permitted to be the victims. We had to demonstrate how we contributed to the situation as instigators.
It was intended to make us step back, dig deep, and figure out all the details that might have contributed to our previous victimhood tale. It was to show that the bosses may not have been singularly at fault. We had to explore our own psyches to analyze how we may have been a part of the problem, a problem that we had convinced ourselves was previously only the result of a bullying boss, not an instigating subordinate.
After a short while, I came up with a litany of incidences that might have contributed to pushing my boss into his attack mode. It demonstrated to me that we easily take on the role of a victim when it suits our stories, and our memories seem to protect us from recognition of our own faults. It also might point out a character flaw, a defense mechanism that contributes to our re-creation of this scenario time-after-time.
We all know people who constantly play the victim, who take little or no responsibility for the havoc they have personally helped create. Some are so self-centered they believe they’re always right, and they see the other person as the attacker.
Almost ironically, my partner was not able to come up with one reason why his boss would have been offended or felt threatened by anything he previously had said or done. It was clear to me that introspection was not going to be his strong suit. We’ve all known people who are completely incapable of self-analysis.
Only a trained mediator or counselor might be able to get someone like that to self-reflect enough to see his contribution to any situation. And maybe that’s a defense mechanism he had built up to protect himself from either blame or a loss of self-confidence when dealing with others.
Although it is something that does not come easy for many of us, it sure helps when you’re locked in a situation that results in your lack of respect for a peer or loved one, in verbal combat, or in a no-win situation that could only be resolved by a third party. It often isn’t about us being the victims. Sometimes it’s our eye-poking that helped contribute to the conflict.
Just for fun, pick someone you trust, and try this exercise. It’s kind of amazing when you can honestly step back and employ some personal introspection.
Nick Jacobs of Windber is a health-care consultant and author of two books.