Dec 28, 2014 8 min read

McDONALD – Caring for Anna Snatchko could be exasperating and exhausting, but Betty Brooks misses the time she would spend each day with her mother.

“I don’t want it to sound like it’s a relief, but just to have time to breathe,” Betty said, her voice choking with emotion, unable to finish her sentence. “It was getting harder and harder. Now, I wish she was still here. I miss her not being here.”

Anna, who quickly became the face of the Observer-Reporter’s “No Longer Me” series, died Nov. 12 of congestive heart failure in her Burgettstown apartment. She had just turned 87 on Oct. 31.

And it’s the videos taken of Anna for the O-R’s series that help Betty get through each day. It’s not so much Anna’s physical presence in the videos as it is Anna’s voice.

“I treasure those videos,” Betty said, “just to hear her talk, saying, ‘I love you.'”

Even though Anna began to develop dementia eight years ago and her condition continued to deteriorate, Betty was not prepared for Anna’s death. Anna had cheated death at least twice before, and Betty was sure she would do it again.

When Anna returned home Monday afternoon following a three-day respite visit at Manor Care in McMurray, Betty’s daughter, Katie Fehl, one of Anna’s three caregivers, said she was lethargic and less responsive than normal. Betty also noticed a drastic change in Anna’s body language the next day and called hospice. Anna was given morphine to reduce her discomfort and alleviate her labored breathing. Betty was told to rouse her mother later that afternoon.

Betty tried and tried, begging Anna to waken. Anna was still sleeping at 9 p.m.

Betty called hospice again and placed the receiver by Anna’s mouth. Betty was told everything was OK, that Anna’s breathing pattern was likely the result of Anna breathing through her mouth and not her nose.

“We know now that her lungs were filling up. They felt so bad,” Betty said. “That’s why I think she was in a coma. I don’t think she knew anything.”

But Betty didn’t realize that. She kept checking on Anna throughout the night and went as far as trying a home remedy she found online that claimed toxins could be absorbed from the body by placing a slice of raw onion on each foot.

So, Betty placed an onion slice on Anna’s feet and covered them with socks. She wrapped a cold compress around Anna’s head, and she kept placing drops of water on Anna’s mouth and lips to avoid dryness and cracking.

When Betty checked on Anna and discovered she wasn’t breathing, she knelt beside the bed and cried.

“I said, ‘Aww, Ma.’ She was gone, and I was sad,” Betty said. “I kissed her, I hugged her, and I kissed her some more.”

And then she remembered the onions. Betty removed them and washed her mother’s feet.

When the funeral director came to remove Anna’s body from the apartment, Betty said she “just got a lost feeling.”

“I just stood by the door and watched,” Betty said.

At the same time, Betty is grateful for so many things, and believes that in death, Anna continues to watch over her family in the same loving, compassionate way she did before dementia stole her mind and dignity.

“Mom was my first priority, and I was so worried about mom being bedridden,” Betty said. “She took that burden away from me.”

Whenever Betty sees food in the refrigerator that came from her mother’s house, she says, “Thanks, Mom.” When Betty visits Katie’s home and sees the Christmas decorations, she says, “Thanks, Mom.”

“She loved her family. She’s still taking care of me,” Betty said. “I think about my mom all the time. Deep inside me, I know she’s all right.”

So do Katie and Kara Snatchko, another of Anna’s grandchildren who shared in Anna’s daily care.

“I loved Gram very much, and even though she was difficult at times, I wouldn’t trade them for a million dollars,” Kara said. “I will miss her so much, and I still look for her on certain days because I’m used to spending them with her.”

Although Katie also misses Anna, she said, “Everything happened the way it was supposed to.”

Katie said she will always remember “the crazy, wild things” Anna said, and they are more meaningful to Katie because “she still would have said those things even if she didn’t have the dementia.”

But what she enjoyed the most was watching Anna interact with her great-grandchildren.

“It was great having the kids around,” Katie said. “She always related to them. She always had the instincts to take care of them.”

Betty said that participating in the “No Longer Me” series was very cathartic for her. She learned that she wasn’t alone and that, like her family, others experienced the same inner struggles in deciding how to best care for their loved ones.

“This is the mom who I missed with dementia,” said Betty, pointing to a framed photo of a younger, vibrant Anna. “This is the mom I’ll miss my whole life,” she said, pointing to a more recent photo of Anna.

“I hate dementia. It’s not pretty. Families are going through it and will continue to go through it. God bless them. I cry for them. We went in with no knowledge of it. Nobody told us what to expect. I learned along the way.”

She recalls vividly one instance when Anna inquired about the whereabouts of her husband, George. Betty merely answered, “Daddy died.”

“Until I saw the hurt on her face that one time, I kept thinking that would spark something,” Betty said. “I thought I was going to help her get better, spark her brain.”

Betty also encourages other caregivers to accept or ask for help.

“I didn’t accept any help in the beginning. Take that help. You need that time. They’ll be fine. You need time to refresh yourself. I didn’t ask, but when it was offered, I took it,” said Betty, noting that while enjoying the videos of her mother, she also made a startling discovery about herself.

“I looked so tired in those videos,” Betty said. “I could see it in my face, and I could hear it in my voice.”

And she’s right. She’s more alert now that she’s getting more rest, and she has more energy. Now all she has to concentrate on is relaxing. She spent three years being programmed to react to every sound her mother made, and she hasn’t learned yet how to kick that habit.

Anna’s legacy, Betty said, is, of course, her family, and the fact she was featured in the “No Longer Me” series.

“Who knew she could make a difference at her age and with her mental capacity?” Betty said. “… She made a difference, and I’m so proud of that.”

Plus, nobody can take away the myriad memories Betty, her siblings, her children and her grandchildren have of Anna.

“I miss my mom and worry about her, but I know she’s happy,” Betty said. “She always had such a beautiful soul. It’s the only way for a body to die. I truly find peace in that. It makes me happy to know she’s happy.”