Mar 12, 2022 4 min read

I am not like most Americans. I was neither shocked nor surprised by the results of the 2016 election. I don’t surprise easily, and I reserve my outrage for the price of movie theater popcorn. I’ve also been gifted with a prescience in matters of popular culture and the ebb and flow of contemporary trends.

For example I knew in the ’70s that leisure suits would never remain a staple in the fashion world. My intuition was confirmed in the writings of none other than Nostradamus; Quatrain 323: “and there will be racks of polyester mocked and abandoned.”

Now, however, as our televisions are turned into torture devices streaming endless political commercials in what we’ve come to accept as a perpetual election campaign, my perceptiveness has either deserted me or my consciousness has gone numb in a last-ditch effort at self-preservation. There are nonetheless observations to be made from these ads that are designed to make us like the candidate and hate who they hate, and some are hysterically funny, although I’m sure they weren’t intended to be.

One candidate for governor began his campaign in an attempt to separate himself from boring political ads by filming a commercial in which he runs down his list of accomplishments, including a pointless rehash of the last election and exposing children to a potentially deadly virus all while an actor (God, I hope he’s an actor) who looks like a cross between Dee Snider of Twisted Sister and the guy from the Dr. Pepper commercials, bangs out power chords on an electric guitar while screaming things like “Freedom.” What in the name of all that’s holy is this? It looks like something Salvador Dali would have conceived in a feverish dream, only more disturbing. The worst part of this whole thing is that some media hack actually got paid to think this up.

Another man hoping to move into the governor’s mansion is exploiting schoolchildren and pandering to the fear of something hardly anyone can explain – Critical Race Theory, or as Fox News tries to convince its viewers on a daily basis, CRISIS-REALLY-TERRIBLE. The commercial shows grade-schoolers while a voice-over tells us they’re racists, thereby implying that children will be brainwashed by CRT and somehow turn into worse kids than Lord of the Flies. This candidate has vowed to ban the teaching of CRT to schoolchildren. I count myself among those who couldn’t possibly explain CRT, but this seems a little farfetched. The one thing I do know that the candidate doesn’t, and apparently no one on his staff had the heart to tell him, is that CRT is a graduate-level academic framework and isn’t taught in the K-12 curriculum. It would be like trying to teach 6-year-olds calculus. Now if this guy wanted to see a groundswell of support among high school juniors he should pledge to ban the teaching of calculus.

At the federal level there’s the vicious slap fight between two out-of-state multi-millionaires who are spending an obscene amount of money to prove “they’re just like us.” These two have been living here for at least a month and are vying to represent us in the United States Senate once they figure out the line of demarcation between Primanti Brothers and cheese steaks.

Their outsized wealth aside these two engender the most sympathy among all the candidates so far. One poor soul had the misfortune of being awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame while he rails against the “liberal media.” Ouch. The other poor slob had to give up what I’m certain were some pretty nice digs in Connecticut to move here to Southwestern Pennsylvania for our amazing weather and glass-like streets. If things continue this way, before long they’ll have to pretend to like the Pirates.

On the subject of glass-like streets, infrastructure is the one issue not a single candidate has yet to address. They’re all more than glad to tell you what they hate but not a single suggestion on how to avoid a bridge collapsing on your head while you’re walking your dog in the park. I guess that doesn’t rile up the base. Pity.

None of this has given me any insight as to how the election will turn out, but in the meantime I look forward to when the Democrats begin advertising in earnest. Then they can tell us why we’re better off with more crime and fewer police officers and finally expose the Lucky Charms Leprechaun as an example of toxic masculinity. Can’t wait.

Joe Manning is a resident of Washington.