A mighty wind
The world is filled with incredible inventions, and I am a big proponent of most of them. I like a variety of gadgets, but one device drives me crazy … crazier.
Every autumn, I rail against the world’s most annoying appliance, the dreaded leaf blower. My neighbor is obsessed. He’s out there every day, waging a war against the sunshine-yellow and dark-crimson leaves of deciduous maples.
Frankly, if he chose to cut down the trees, I’d only have to hear that noise once. One long Saturday afternoon with a chainsaw would take care of his problem. While cutting down the trees would be an apt solution, it would make the neighborhood a dull, gray place. Personally, I favor trees over neighbors.
This leaf blower produces Harley-Davidson-motorcycle-level noise. Another noise I’m not so fond of, but, at the very least, the motorcycle gets someone from point A to point B. I don’t think the leaf blower does much, besides making noise.
I had to plug my ears while chatting on the phone the other day. The voice on the other end of the phone asked, “Doesn’t the noise bother him?”
The answer is no. He has headphones on. The rest of the neighborhood isn’t as lucky. We’re the ones who must endure a constant cacophony as he blows the leaves from one end of the yard to another.
He is also wearing something that looks like a jetpack, a device designed to prolong his battle against his colorful foes. He looks like the world’s worst superhero: Captain Leaf Blower! At the very least, he looks like a determined man sent from the future to sweep the yard clean, Buck Rogers, Space Neighbor.
I am hesitant to tell him that the tree debris is winning. The wind quietly blows them back into the yard an hour later, with just a gentle rustling.
When you blow the leaves out of the yard, the wind blows them back in. It’s a no-win scenario. He doesn’t need a leaf blower. He needs a leaf sucker, or, instead, a leaf vacuum. He needs a mechanism that will swallow the leaves whole into a pouch that he can smash down into a brown burlap gunnysack to be hauled away with the garbage, or take them out – Viking funeral style – in a bonfire in the backyard.
What was wrong with the rake? It’s good old-fashioned exercise in the fresh air. Ironically, the No. 1 manufacturer of leaf blowers is a company named Lazyboi.
Side note: The i in Lazyboi makes it look French. I suspect it’s meant to make the name less offensive to the actual lazy boys who use said device.
But I digress, like I do. Personally, I’ve given up the war for a spotless green yard. I raked once earlier in the season. The leaves were back one hour later.
Bob Dylan knew that you can’t beat Mother Nature at her own game. He sang, “The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.”