Five, six, seven, whoops!
I love to dance. It’s a shame I’m not very good at it. In my head, I’m Fred “Twinkle-Toes” Flintstone, a large man but one with balletic prowess, agility, and grace, in the way the Stone Age cartoon character would drift down the lane at the bowling alley, twinkling his toes, but, sadly, my ability to dance to the music has been greatly exaggerated. The best word that describes my movements on the dance floor is “galumphing.”
I dance to the beat of my own drummer. Sadly, that drummer is playing loudly and off-key, a gorilla on the bongos.
The only thing worse than my dancing is my singing. My family has forbidden me to join in any chorus of “Happy Birthday” when gathered around the traditional family Dairy Queen Funfetti Ice Cream Cake. The best word that describes my singing voice is caterwauling. I sound like an alley cat in heat. The only noise worse than my singing is the sound of someone taking beginner bagpipe lessons. Frankly, it’s a toss-up. When given a choice, go with the bad bagpiper over me.
Yet, for the third year in a row, I find myself singing and dancing on the Byham Theater stage for “Off the Record,” a benefit for the Greater Pittsburgh Community Food Bank.
In the musical, a group of former writers from a rival newspaper skewered pop songs and gave them a decidedly Pittsburghian twist. For example, “Every Rose Has a Thorn” has become “Every Road Here is Closed,” an ode to every orange cone on the Parkway West.
The show takes the city’s problems and holds them up to the light, making sassy comments about the town we all love.
Director and choreographer Chris Laitta is doing a fantastic job getting me up on my feet – sometimes she’s even got me to move in the right direction. I’m dancing alongside some incredibly talented CAPA kids, some local actors, including Tress Glover, host of “Yinz Are Good,” Ryan Patrick Kearney (from PICT’s “Witch”), Howard Elson ( the movie, “Unsinkable”), Garbie Dukes (fresh off his role as Sir Toby Belch in Pittsburgh Public Theater’s musical version of “Twelfth Night”), and local TV celebrities, including KDKA’s Daisy Jade and Kym Gable.
Talented, beautiful people surround me, but in the dance studio, I glanced at the mirror that covers the wall: It’s like watching a bevy of majestic swans pirouetting … around a rhinoceros.
I didn’t join this savvy troupe of actors because I had any talent or skill. I joined because I believe in raising money for the Greater Pittsburgh Community Food Bank. I am honored to share the stage with stalwarts of Pittsburgh’s theatrical scene.
One of my side jobs is theater critic for ‘Burgh Vivant, where I review plays and musicals in and around the Steel City. If you’re going to criticize others for their theatrical talents, it’s good to step into their dance shoes every once in a while.
You can find tickets to “Off the Record” here: https://offtherecordpgh.org/.